First things first, this post is in no way intended to shame, criticise or put down any other mums or dads or guardians of tiny humans. I’ve been feeling really crappy lately about life, parenting, myself and all the other bits in between & I’ve just really needed a boost so much. The thing is, the best and most positive thing in my life is Bear. I might get frustrated, I might lose my shit, I might cry. But he honestly completes me in so many ways. He’s turned me into the kind of person I never ever thought I could be. Responsible, selfless, a mother. He makes me so happy (the majority of the time) and I just wanted to document it. A little something for me to read when I’m feeling like I’m failing and brings a little sunshine amongst all of the rain everywhere.
Oh little bear, sometimes you break my heart, and my sanity. I love you so damn much it hurts, but this last leap has been so testing.
Having a 15 month old, I’m pretty used to these mental leaps, growth spurts, the testing times. But this recent one, has brought me to tears, mentally & emotionally exhausted me & wondered ‘what the fuck even is this?!‘ We are now seeing light at the end of the tunnel, ’cause we all know we get there somehow right?! But one thing is for certain, while I was struggling to figure out why my toddler just wanted to bite me, push the boundaries, and whinge more than Bing Bunny does in the space of an 8 minute episode, I knew it would be over soon, and gosh did I wish I drank more wine (it was most certainly needed).
I’ve said before that I’ve been broody for a long time. I felt I was ready for children before my partner & I started a relationship but obviously, I wasn’t going to compromise anything at the time & I was still finishing my studies at college. When we found out we were expecting Podge 5 years into our relationship, I was over the moon to say the least. It was everything I’d hoped for, especially after all of the troubles we faced with PCOS & contraceptive issues. During the pregnancy though, I still felt incredibly broody. My child would be born soon & I just wanted him/her here right now. And then another. It didn’t take long after he had entered our lives that I felt ready for the experience again.
I’ve noticed this term used quite a bit recently and I’d never heard of it before, so of course it sparked my interest. Jessica from That Mummy Blog wrote this great post called an Open Letter to that Helicopter Mum at the Soft Play Centre which was such an interesting read. I felt like I could relate to both sides of the coin so to speak. The mum who’s so protective of her child, I will climb the climbing frames, go down the slides and get in the ball pool with my little one. But also, having anxiety made me think about what the person writing it was really saying.
I’ll be honest, being a mum, although it was the only thing I ever wanted in the world, has not been a majorly easy ride. Parenting is hard, so hard. And although, some things have come fairly easy to me, I’ve also struggled a bit. I don’t feel like I should be admitting that but I should be honest. I’m forever putting myself down and feeling bad about myself as a person, a parent and a family woman. I’m so grateful for Naomi over at Me Becoming Mum for tagging me in the #RockingMotherhood tag, it’s been helping me to realise that actually, I’m doing great! View Post